2005/03/05

You too can make $130,000.00 per hour. Just follow these simple steps.

Good afternoon everyone!

surrogate here.

So. I've decided to go to jail.

I've been an entrepreneur all my life. I've done okay in a few things, but my ideas have never made me even close to wealthy. And I suppose it's a disease but I keep plugging.

Finally though, I'm feeling real relief. I'm breathing easier, I'm looking forward to tomorrow in that Tony Robbins big toothed grin sort of way. I just can't wait.

You see, I've finally figured out how to make it big. It's as clear to me now as Pat Robertson's vision of heaven is to him. Why I can make $130,000 an hour if I do it right. (Shhh don't tell anyone, it's just between us!)

Here's the plan:
I going to buy stock in my own company. Lots of it.

Then, I'll get the government to prosecute me for some minor insider trading infraction typical of what goes on daily all over the country amongst my peers.

Then, I'll agree to do the time after my trial and forgo my right to appeal, "just to get this horrible ordeal over with and put it behind me."

Then, I'll do five months jail time and then five more months under house arrest.

Here's the cool part! While I'm serving the five months jail time, I can rest, make new friends, think about future projects, and even make some decisions for my company (if they really need my input - I'm figuring it'll pretty much be on auto-pilot by then.)

Then, when I get out, I'll have made $500,000,000.00 for my troubles! Five hundred million! That's a five and eight zeros!

That's a hundred million dollars a month,
or twenty-five million a week,
or three and a third million a day,
or one hundred and thirty thousand an hour,
or twenty-one hundred dollars a minute.

That is, dear people, thirty-five dollars... per second. At my normal breathing rate, I'm figuring about $273.62 for every single breath I take.

Count it out with me! One, two, three STOP! $100.00

Let's do it again! Let's see... car payment is $350.00 for lot's of people. Why, let's count to ten!

God Bless dear Martha. Boy, they sure showed her!

Be good to everybody.

(By the way, this took me about forty-five minutes to write. $93,000.00 Cha-Ching!)

posted by: surrogate | 0 comments (view/add) StaticLink eSend

9 Comments:

haha nice work. Use the term 'jail' loosely though, from what I heard it wasn't much of a jail. 

Posted by Jim
3/05/2005 03:28:00 am  
"Camp Cupcake" is the term I heard used... :) 

Posted by Sarah
3/05/2005 03:49:00 am  
You guys may be right, but if I went, they'd probably make it a real jail...lol 

Posted by Anonymous
3/05/2005 04:16:00 am  
Ok Surrogate, I'll be partner with you. Can I do my time here or do I have to go back to the States? 

Posted by WhyNot
3/05/2005 05:23:00 am  
I haven't the foggiest idea about this one. Are we talking about Tony Robbins? He was selling his wares when I was living in the states 5 years ago. He's still around? Fill me in, Surrogate. 

Posted by Dianne
3/05/2005 06:26:00 am  
"I haven't the foggiest idea about this one "

Don't worry honey, let's just follow the steps. Which reminds me: any mixed sex jails out there? 

Posted by WhyNot
3/05/2005 06:47:00 am  
Oh Dianne, sorry for not being clearer for our friends outside the U.S. What triggered this in my head was that Martha Stewart (T.V. Cooking and Craft show host turned billionaire a few years ago when she took her company public) was realeased from Jail the day before yesterday. She'd served five months for insider trading, or really for lying to investigators about a minor stock sale she'd made two years earlier just before that particular stock took a nosedive. Turned out she'd been tipped off.

Anyway, she was tried for the related infraction (lying to investigators) and was sentenced to five months in jail. The upshot of this is that during those five months in "the big house" (or in her case, as Sarah and Jim pointd out, a really nice place with a fence around it!) the price of her company stock doubled, making her a cool $500,000,000.00 in five months... When I heard about it, the situation cried out "Make fun of me!." 

Posted by surrogate
3/05/2005 12:56:00 pm  
Oh gosh, I have seen the headlines on this but Martha Stewart holds no interest for me so I don't keep up. Thanks for filling me in. I found your piece very entertaining without knowing who you were speaking of. Now it's even more so. 

Posted by Dianne
3/05/2005 01:11:00 pm  
She holds no interest for me either, but I thought it was funny... in a sick sort of way.  

Posted by Anonymous
3/05/2005 02:53:00 pm  

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