2005/03/06

IRON HYMEN - Abstinence-Only Coolness for Girls

Ok girls, no more sex for you. It's bad, it's dirty, and it puts America in great danger of evil things like EU, socialism, not going to church, or worse. In fact, its tantamount to sedition and terrorism.

But thanks to God who blesses Texas all day long (and America), there is an answer. Here at the The IRON HYMEN Youth Purity Center, you can find out all about it and how to protect your hoo-hoo from filfthy commie hungry peckers

Here is a preview:

The IRON HYMEN Abstinence-Only Education
Program is produced by the US Dept. of Health
& Human Services and the White House Office
of Youth Purity.


A Very Special Iron Hymen Dispatch from First Lady Mrs. George W. Bush:

TEN THINGS EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BOYS AND THEIR VILE PRIVATE PARTS:

A few samples:


  1. Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."


  2. The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"


  3. While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.


  4. Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies.


Here are some samples of the Take the "IRON HYMEN" Abstinence-Only Pledge

I, [My Name], hereby pledge:


  1. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.


  2. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.


Finally, a couple of testimonial samples:

Crystal F.: "I used to suffer terribly from dirty dreams about boys. Thankfully, now my Iron Hymen Libido-Be-Gone™ thong panties keep my dreams clean – and my yucky cooter bone-dry!"

Muffy P.: "OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!"


Now girls don't forget, go find your full Purity Salvation at the The IRON HYMEN Youth Purity Center!

2 Comments:

8. When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm. 

Ok, I know they've almost completely given up on biology and and evolution. Fine. But this just goes beyond all limits of common sense WhyNot...

Serious risk of it breaking off???

ROTFLMAO!

Right, and I suppose marriage vows magically make it all better. Oh, no wait, not magically - by the grace of the Lord. 

Posted by anna.
3/06/2005 07:46:00 am  
"Serious risk of it breaking off??? "

LOL, some serious woody there!

"not magically - by the grace of the Lord."

But of course, Anna :-) 

Posted by WhyNot
3/06/2005 11:42:00 am  

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