2005/03/26

Insurance Companies: “Forget Antibiotics, use Shrimp instead”

Since it's the weekend, here is some light hearted fun (satire I found on The Spoof). Enjoy :-)



Take Three Shrimp in Cocktail Sauce
and Don't Call Me in the Morning

Minnetonka, Minneapolis -- Led by managed care giant United Healthcare (NASDAQ code: X$%^&*$#%^$^ subscribers), all major HMOS in the United States have removed all antibiotics from their formularies due to rising pharmaceutical prices and the necessity of keeping executives' salaries high.

This decision follows last year's decision to eliminate all mental health coverage and replace it with a cassette of pop music and pithy saying that subscribers can play at stressful times, provided they purchase the "dedicated" cassette player (only $49!) needed to play the relaxation tape.

"We have found that much of the shrimp imported from Asia is an excellent source of choramphenicol, which is a very very powerful antibiotic," said a spokesperson for United. "Accordingly, we don't feel that we need to pay for antibiotics when our subscribers have a bacterial infection. They can just eat shrimp according to our peer-reviewed and credentialed guidelines."

Here's how it works: a patient who suspects an infection in himself/herself or a family member calls a 900 number (only 49 cents a minute!) and provides a few relevant facts to the TeleNurso such as fever, weight, age, and symptoms such as pain, coughing, sneezing, ear pressure, or runny nose. The TeleNurso will then calculate the amount of shrimp required to cure the infection and, free of charge, provide a recipe.

... here is the full article

4 Comments:

I can't tell you how long I have waited to hear a "common sense" approach to health care in the US. Its about time.

Why pay for drugs like antibiotics for a bunch of whiners who can't be bothered to head to the nearest "Red Lobster" for lunch. Such folk are an unnecessary burden on the much overused system for the rest of us. As a matter of fact They should be punished severely for non compliance to this new policy.

I personally suggest adding asking for anti biotics to be added to a nation wide "3 strikes" law. Clearly anyone who disregards its nations economic interests so flagrantly as to get sick deserves no rights whatsoever under the law. Heck if they were any good to begin with they wouldn't be sick would they? Why we could even cull out all the sick and the old altogether! Freeloaders!

Allright, I admit that last part might be a little over the top. After all, were not savages. Maybe some nice clean chemical castration is in order. What do you think?  

Posted by deviant1
3/27/2005 06:52:00 pm  
I wish I had your wit, Devient1. I'm too battlescarred. You should write your own satire on current events and post it. You've got talent. 

Posted by Dianne
3/27/2005 08:35:00 pm  
Its about time ”

I know how you feel brother rabbi! My sentiments exactly.

Why pay for drugs like antibiotics for a bunch of whiners who can't be bothered to head to the nearest "Red Lobster" for lunch

You speak of gold here. I'm mentally masturbating into a frenzy in order to get in tune with the full extent of your wisdom.

Why we could even cull out all the sick and the old altogether! Freeloaders!

Man, I'm about to cum like a New Year's Eve fireworks spectacular.

so flagrantly as to get sick deserves no rights whatsoever under the law

Let's kill them all, I say. Fuckin' commie scum, that's what they are!

Heck if they were any good to begin with they wouldn't be sick would they

Absolutely, they are just parasites living off the American government! Dirty lil motherfucking cunts! 

Posted by WhyNot
3/28/2005 04:53:00 am  
"Maybe some nice clean chemical castration is in order. What do you think? "

I agree 200%. Last thing we need is the lil fuckers to reproduce like rabbits. That's what they do all day long, you know? Hump non stop. And on American government money, at that! 

Posted by WhyNot
3/28/2005 05:02:00 am  

'); preview.document.close();} function PostComment(frm){if (frm.Comment.value=="" || (confirmBeforePost && confirm(confirmText)==false))return; if(frm.rememberMe.checked){ setCookie('author',frm.author.value); setCookie('email',frm.email.value); setCookie('url',frm.url.value); setCookie('remember','true');}else{ setCookie('remember','false');} var txt=frm.Comment.value; txt=txt.replace('','&'+'#'+'160;'); txt= txt.replace('','&'+'#'+'160;'); txt=txt.replace('','&'+'#'+'160;'); frm.postBody.value=txt; frm.postBody.value+="&"+"#1"+"60;\n\n"+ getAuthorInfo(frm); frm.submit();} function toggleRemember(frm){if(frm.rememberMe.checked) setCookie('remember','true');else setCookie('remember','false');} function getCookie(name){var rexp = new RegExp(name + "=([^;]+)");var val=rexp.exec(document.cookie); return (val!=null)?unescape(val[1]):"";} function setCookie(name, value){document.cookie=name+ "="+escape(value)+";expires="+expiry.toGMTString();} document.write('
'+ formCaption+'
');if(!document.all) document.write("
");
:
:
:

BloggerHacks

<< Home